3 days

ready, go. 

Christ defeated death and by that raised us to new life in 3 days. now i'm PRAYING He'll do a fantastic work in me in that amount of time. i lost my focus on Him and i've allowed my heart to harbor unforgiveness and even.... jealousy. just in typing that word, jealousy, i can feel every ounce of pride in twist and turn.. but ultimately i suppose it's true, as ashamed as i am to admit it. it's gotten to the point that this.. sickness has grown out of me..

"out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks"

-- Matthew 12:34

and started affecting some of the people i care about most..

"love prospers when fault is forgiven but dwelling on it seperates close friends"

-- Proverbs 17:9

and it's gotta change
.. so start the 3 days.

within the first 20 minutes that these 3 days started He grabbed me and reminded me of His peace and control over my life, and i won't lie, i may have already felt broken but He broke me more. i've grown distant from Him recently.. totally my own fault, but goodness i'd missed Him.. and His reassurance. There's a light at the end of this, and not just for me... praise God.

i feel so foolish for so many things. it's all about priorities when it comes down to it. i've made idols of good things, and forgotten about so many things more important.

this is by no means a polished post, it's cluttered, but my thoughts are pretty cluttered right now too. i feel like God's cleaning house within my mind and my heart (at least i hope He is)... but of course, before cleaning and house, you have to drag all the dusty and cluttered junk into the middle of the room so you can resort it. this is me right now, i guess.

as debbie-downers as this whole post has sounded, i am still so overwhelmed with the reality that God is GOOD. i've posted about it before but it still baffles me that God does not portray goodness like anything else in the universe, but is Himself Good.

He's got it totally covered, my only job is remembering and listening for His guidance.
So here's one of the verses for the next 3 days, cause as much as i've said i'm for the Lord, i haven't acted like it recently....

"commit your actions to the Lord and your plans will succeed.." 

-- Proverbs 16:3

DAY 1

"if you want me to"

"The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear, and I don't know the reason why You brought me here..
But just because You love me the way that You do i'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step, and I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet..
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you then I will walk through the fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen, when you lead me through a world that's not my home,
but You never said it would be easy, You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself, and I can't hear You answer my cries for help,
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through, and I will walk through the darkness if You want me to

Cuz when I cross over Jordan, gonna sing, gonna shout, gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down..
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You, and I will walk though the valley if You want me to"

- Ginny Owens

sometimes you don't hear a song for awhile and then one day it pops up on your itunes and totally rocks your world and you just have to sit there and soak it in..

sometimes God wants us to walk through valleys.

sometimes God tells us He is about to lead us through fire and our only reason for following Him through it is because we KNOW we love Him. we may be like frightened little rabbits but we know that He loves us and is going to make sure we're safe.

that just hit me... the realization that valleys are not these accidental things..

this is a valley... imagine standing at the mouth of this.. a tiny little speck in comparison, with the storm's cold, harsh wind whipping at your face, and your one traveling companion telling you that they can lead you through it...

it's a terrifying thought when you think about it... 

and then you remember..

"greater love casts out all fear"

praise God for this promise, and in His mercy, let me remember it when my turn comes..

doin' work

really though... He's doin' work!

tell you how i know..

1. He's started catching my attention with the little things again, 

just as a way to say hello and tell me He loves me

2. He's caused me to miss Him like i'm sure i'll miss 

my husband when we're apart

3. my apathy is melting

4. i'm legitimately comforted when i remember that 

if no one else loves me He still will

5. He's starting to tie the promises He's made me together

People refer to different times in their lives as seasons.. but seasons are seasons too, and this summer has definitely been a season for me in both ways..

a little something i noted in my journal the other day..

and i know we say it all the time in church and when something goes wrong 

(ie: my car got towed, but God is good!), but seriously guys, 

GOD IS GOOD!

everything that we can possibly comprehend as being good, we recognize as "good" 

only because it portrays certain specific characteristics of good-ness.. 

we know it, in itself, is not a completely good thing 

(more neutral, but can be used for good)

the only actual thing to ever and forever exist totally and completely "good" is God!

every other thing that we consider good are simply manifesting characteristics of the 

God who is in His essence, good.

i know i just used "good" about a hundred times, but it just hit me one night 

in the beginning of the summer, 

driving in the country, 

and that word, the word "good" suddenly woke up in my dictionary. 

it's almost impossible to describe these moments unless they happen to you, 

but it was almost as if God redeemed a piece of my vocabulary. 

i use that word so often that it literally began to mean nothing to me.

Beyond that, the fact that God could use something so small as redeeming the value of a single word like "good" to literally break my heart in the middle of an evening drive to the point 

that i had to pull over in sobs is an absolute miracle.

my beloved knows my heart so well, and i am so unbelievably grateful.

He is good. He is good. He is good.

well hello, old friend!

told ya i was horrible at journaling! i totally forgot this existed until a friend of mine mentioned starting a blog the other day.

well it's summer now.. a long way from spring break. i'm writing from my dad's big leather armchair in his study as the summer sun sets after a heavy rain shower outside. it's beautiful.

i just spent 20 minutes trying to come up with something to write and my brain is just too scattered.. i'm missing a man i hardly know. i spent a half hour the other day checking my phone constantly, hoping that he'd call me when i know he doesn't have my number. i don't know what's wrong with me and i can't tell if this is God trying to get my attention on him or just my imagination running wild. but i miss him. and i have no control over the situation with him. he's in town right now and hasn't tried to get in touch with me... even though he said he would. God's got it, God's got it.. whatever He has for me is better than anything i could manage to squeeze out of the situation, so i'm leaving it be. but man it's a lesson in self control.. i hate this. i haven't felt this way about a guy in a long time. i have to let it be.. i think i might go on a drive.. it is a nice night after all!

can this be me?

sboh10

this weekend begins sboh10/sbx/sb10 or whatever you chose to call it :) and i must admit i am very excited. yes, i am just going to gulf shores with the family, but the down time and the laying out sounds like absolute heaven right now. i cannot wait to be tan again. summer, my love, i await your return.

oh and p.s. this is fun and maybe worth the watch :)

http://vimeo.com/3237836

this made me so happy that i started tearing up..

... and it still kills me. what is more precious?

not so normal monday

ok, yes it hasn't been that long since i wrote last.. what.. 2 days? but SO much has changed! today in particular! it started out as a normal monday...

when classes finished at 12 i had lunch and went to the journalism computer lab to get a head start on some homework and then the bomb hit! not literally... but i realized (after looking solely out of curiosity) that my film minor has very specifically scheduled classes, and if i were to study abroad in the fall i would miss the first class that began all the pre-requisites. so i went to talk to my favorite journalism professor, dr. c. who told me that i would have to graduate a semester late if i were to study abroad in the fall... which is NOT ok. 

ok so fall is out, obviously. spring might work if there is a certain scriptwriting class offered at a certain time, but we'll have to see, no one is sure at this point. after i realized that the fall wouldn't work i decided to try and shoot for being a connections leader (which i have wanted to be for a year, and was really bummed that studying abroad in the fall would ruin that) so there seemed to be some silver lining :) 

i ran down to the student involvement office and found out that applications were due that day at 5 p.m. (it was 1:30 at the time) so i ran back to the lab, filled out the information, ran to my advisors office to get a recommendation, wrote all 6 of the essays required, and ran my application over to samford's admissions office to turn in. then i signed up for an interview (march 22nd!) and called my parents to tell them the crazy news and begin brainstorming how i'm going to plan out the rest of 2010.

here's how it looks so far:

1. tell shipley (the head of international studies) that i'm out for this fall
2. check with the english dept. to see about the screenwriting class
3. make out my film schedule with dr. c.
4. get an internship at news channel 5 this summer
5. get accepted as a connections leader (fingers crossed!)
6. work all summer (and take a class at community college?)
7. get an internship at a birmingham station this fall
8. run for an office with samford's chapter of the national broadcast society (and sojourn/entre nous?)
9. figure out rooming for next semester
10. get a 3.0

geeze, this has definitely turned into a juggling situation. don't get me wrong, i love it... i feel like this is a puzzle someone gave me to work out, and i feel really accomplished when i get it (i'm telling you, i'm a geek) ;) but holy cow i feel like today God just decided to open the flood gates and throw everything in my arms at once. but as tom petty says "it'll all work out", now give me a sec to go put on my faded jeans and soft black leather..